


I'm a What.

by warningimboring



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Gen, M/M, Oh yes, aight imma get started ahahahaha, also the hate lol, am i still gonna be doin it? yes, babe c'mon you totally wanna read this trash, do i have any clue what im doing? no, draco malfoy? more like draco softboi, fanfic: as writ by a person who hasn't really canon-ed or fanon-ed, give me the kudos uhuhuhuhu, i have work and on the one day off i have i go do this., i want approval from strangers., im doin this for the validation, joy, not like ive figured out a plot or anything like that yet lol, the OCs are just here cause i know jack bout anyone lol, this is gonna be one big rambly mess, why am i like this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26305012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warningimboring/pseuds/warningimboring
Summary: Seb, whose full name will not be disclosed for personal reasons- reasons the shape of a fist that has punched in too many noses to miss mine- was totally not normal, thank you very much. And as far as Seb cared, she didn't. And if anyone else cared- well she was always ready to rectify that with a couple of well-aimed fist bumps.So what if she was arguably the only witch who hadn't got her letter into Hogwarts? She was perfectly fine with that- no matter what Old Grouchy Sam or Bossy Betty said. Who needed to go to a preppy, snobby, no-good school anyway? Seb knew math. And she knew that stupid Hogwarts didn't know math.She was fine.Which is why, predictably, she ended up in a stupid series of events that made her want to punch her brain multiple times. Turns out, Hogwarts needs her after all.(She didn't want Hogwarts. It was a totally one-sided relationship. And if she had fun along the way- well that was more due to her winning personality than anything else. Really.)





	1. The Basic Summary if you need some (minor- i think) Spoilers to entice you and make you feel like the I-Knew-That-Reader that scoffs at the idiot protagonists cause really

Seb, whose full name will not be disclosed for personal reasons- reasons the shape of a fist that has punched in too many noses to miss mine- was totally not normal, thank you very much. And as far as Seb cared, she didn't. And if anyone _else_ cared- well she was always ready to rectify that with a couple of well-aimed fist bumps.

_So what_ if she was arguably the only witch who hadn't got her letter into Hogwarts? She was perfectly fine with that- no matter what Old Grouchy Sam or Bossy Betty said. Who needed to go to a preppy, snobby, no-good school anyway? _Seb_ knew _math_. And she knew that stupid _Hogwarts_ didn't know math.

She was _fine_.

Which is why, predictably, she ended up in a stupid series of events that made her want to punch her brain multiple times. Turns out, Hogwarts needs her after all.

( _She_ didn't want Hogwarts. It was a totally one-sided relationship. And if she had fun along the way- well that was more due to her winning personality than anything else. Really.)


	2. Seb is a Reasonable Adult

“Yer a witch!” exclaimed the big hairy man Seb had knocked into.

Seb frowned. The dude was huge. It wasn’t like she had shoved him on purpose or anything. They had barely brushed shoulders. And this guy was out here trash-talking her? There was no need to go that far. Maybe he just wanted a fight. Which. Well. Seb was known for getting into unnecessary fights but she had just _barely_ finished the last one. She had slunk into this alleyway to check for damage when she had run into the guy. She didn’t know if she could ride off the tail-end of the adrenaline from her last fight to take this guy on. Judging by how her knees felt, Seb doubted it.

Plus, she was a mature adult who is totally capable of sensible decisions, no matter what Old Grouchy Sam said. So Seb unclenched her fists and darted a venomous look up into the Big Guy’s face. There. That was a reasonable thing.

But the Big Guy was neither shrinking away from her look, nor did he look ready for a fight. If anything, he looked like someone- well he looked like someone surprised. Seb scowled at her head. She could hear Old Sam’s hacking laugh. She could be creative she thought, angrily shushing the mocking tone of Old Grouchy Sam in her head. She just wasn’t feeling it today.

The man was still gaping at her, so she unclenched her teeth enough to bite out,

“I’m a What.”

There. She had engaged in conversation and she didn’t even punch anything.

The Big Guy snapped his mouth shut with an audible click, looked around verily the very obviously empty alleyway- seriously, how many half-wounded people did he expect to find in one alleyway- and bent down, as if to whisper in Seb’s ear, then said

“Yer a witch.”

_Okay, he’s asking for it,_ thought Seb as she re-clenched her fists and crushed it into the jaw of the dude still hunched over her.

He didn’t fly off and crash into the wall behind him, much to Seb’s disappointment. He just straightened up and took a small step back.

“Right,” he said, as Seb shook out her fingers and readied her stance, “sorry ‘bout this.”

Then he pulled out a twig from his great coat, and as Seb launched herself for another punch, said something that made light shoot out of the twig.

_Aw_ , thought Seb as she fell face down in the dirty alleyway unable to move a muscle, _maybe I didn’t think this one through_.

“Sorry,” said the Big Guy from somewhere above her, “this might be weird.”

He hauled her up and Seb couldn’t move her eyes so she was left glaring at his coat button as if it had killed her entire clan of cats.

“Hold on now,” he said, and Seb tried to roll her eyes. It wasn’t like she could do anything. So she glared at the Murder Button more fiercely.

Then it was like her stomach decided to revolt for all the times it was mistreated. It seemed adamant to stage a coup- to leave her body and live in complete autonomy. Seb barely had time to think her brain really should have seen this one coming and then the air around them warped.

By the time her ears stopped ringing enough for her to think up a name for the Great Coup of Mistreated Stomachs, she was on a cot, still frozen, staring up at a ceiling. Murder Button was no longer in her line of sight, so the ceiling, whichever one _that_ was, had to bear the full brunt of her rage. (Which according to Bossy Betty, was a whole lot. But Bossy Betty was just being dumb, what did she know.)

She then realized that there were other people there, seemingly already in a conversation.

“-as such, it is highly unlikely we missed her when the letters were sent out,” an unfamiliar voice was saying.

“-an’ I’m tellin’ ya she is!” said the Big Guy.

Seb projected the force of her anger towards the enemy she knew, ignoring whoever else might be there. She was starting to get an idea about where exactly she was, so she _may_ have spiced up the anger with some flecks of righteous indignation.

She heard a squawk which made her feel slightly better. Of course this was immediately doused when the ceiling was replaced by the face of a bespectacled old man. His eyes seemed to be the kind that always twinkled.

Seb hated it already. There was no denying where she was now. Not when _that_ face was peering down at her face as it were an endearingly confusing puzzle.

“Hello,” he said after a while of twinkle-eyed staring.

Seb glared harder.

“Oh,” he said, as if he just realized she was stuck, “Hagrid, won’t you release her from the spell?”

“I don’ think that’s a good idea professor,” said the Big Guy- Hagrid, “packs a punch, she does.”

“I think it’ll be okay,” replied the man, still twinkling down at Seb.

Seb felt the moment she was released, and with the momentum that was stopped mid-punch, Seb took a swing at the stupid guy hovering over her.

This time, the punch caused the guy to fly back. Seb even knew she had managed to crack his nose. Good. She loomed over him, still on the cot of what looked to be an infirmary, fists held ready as she took in the rest of the room.

There were three other people- two women and that guy, Hagrid- standing at the other end of the long room. He was wincing as he held a hand up to his nose. One of the women was gaping, staring at the old man hunched on the floor as if her brain could not process what her eyes were seeing. The other woman was stock-still, and then suddenly was a flutter of movements. She briskly walked over and Seb tensed.

But she didn’t even spare her a look as she bent down to stare at the old man and began fussing over him. This seemed to snap the other woman (and wow will someone give some names already, this was _exhausting_ to keep track of) out of her daze. She snapped her mouth shut and dragged her gaze to Seb, pinning her with a glare that even Seb had to acknowledge as impressive.

“Young lady,” she said, “this behavior is unacceptable.”

She then paused, giving Seb a significant look. When Seb just stared at her, fists still at the ready, she opened her mouth to continue, but then the old man spoke up from the floor,

“It’s alright Minerva, I’m sure she was just scared.”

Seb darted a quick glare at him- and yep, he was still twinkling his eyes at her, broken nose and all. She bit back a growl and looked back at Minerva.

By this point Hagrid had dropped his hand from his nose and had held it out to Seb as if she were a spooked horse.

“Easy now, easy,” he said.

Seb wanted nothing more than to send him sprawling too- maybe Bossy Betty _might_ have been on to something when she said Seb had too much rage- but the temporary rest being frozen had given her was not enough to restore her energy. Already she could feel the strain from her aching muscles, and she felt the slow tug of unconsciousness pull at her.

She shoved it away by pure force of her stubbornness and bit out,

“Where am I?”

Everyone seemed to stare at her, as Seb started swaying into unconsciousness. It was the speccy goof on the floor who finally replied.

“You are in Hogwarts. School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.”

_Ah, I really should think before I punch random people_ , thought Seb.

Then she fell nose first into the mattress, out cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha Canon who? This is gonna be a wild ride, my posse! Hopefully i keep at it lol. this has, obviously, not been beta-read unless me frantically rereading counts as beta reading. i noticed the first update got 11 hits within the week, which im pretty sure more than half of that was me if ao3 counts author reads as hits. idk, im new-ish here ahahaha. i also updated the overall summary to be the first part- lol who knows what it'll all end up as. Aye fam, lemme know if this sparks joy in any vague sense of the word. ive not read canon, nor have i really canon movie-ed so this is probably not gonna be very accurate but hey! just consider it canon divergence and let's all call it a day ahahaha. Sorry, I should stop ahahaha.  
> Much love,  
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> Whelp that's basically it, I think. I have no clue what I'm doing. If any of y'all know stuff 'bout stuff and wanna tell me stuff that's gonna be important and stuff, don't hesitate to lord your superior knowledge over me and stuff.  
> The excess use of stuff was totally intentional and stuff.  
> Stick around for a chapter and stuff ahahahaha.  
> (love meh)


End file.
